Monday, April 11, 2011

We had a miscarriage.

We had a miscarriage.

No, Not recently. We had a miscarriage in December 2007. We had a miscarriage 3 1/2 years ago. Typing the words, and retelling this story, is a strange experience.

On one hand I am extremely sad for the loss. My heart hurts and aches for the child we lost... for the chance we lost... for the piece of innocence we lost. It rattles my soul and tugs at my being when I recall what happened. I cried for months after it happened and went through all of the What ifs? in my mind.

On the other hand? I am thankful. I am thankful for the loss that led us to our two very sweet boys. I am thankful that we had another year to grow as a couple before we saw those 2 pink lines again. I'm thankful for the lessons we learned and for the bond we formed. We are the only two people who know how it felt in that moment, as we sat next to each other and listened to the Dr on the other end of the phone...

I don't know exactly when we started talking about having kids. I do know when we got our very first positive on the pregnancy test. It was a few days after Obama won the presidential election. It was a Saturday. I woke up feeling awful that day. I didn't really think I was pregnant, but I thought it would be sort of exciting to go buy a pregnancy test and take it. So, that's what I did. I went to the local grocery store in my sweat pants and messy hair to buy a pregnancy test on a whim. I really don't know what made me decide to make the purchase on that cold Saturday in November, but we had the shock of our lives when we saw an extra line. We laughed... and then cried.. and then laughed again. I'm sure I threw up somewhere in there, too.

From 2 pink lines to a devastating phone call one month later... Both times full of tears... we survived.

That's truly how it feels. It feels like we survived. We made it through. We fought blood, sweat and tears to make it to the other side... and we have. It's taken us 2 children & 3 1/2 years to get here. But we did.

We had a miscarriage.

And we survived.

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