If I only knew then...

If I only knew then what I know now, I would have loved you better.
I would have hugged you longer.
I would have spent every moment with you.
I would have prayed for you {with you} more often.
I would have kept you closer.
I would have apologized for every sharp word that hurt you.
I would have listened closer.
I would have memorized the laugh lines on your face.
I would have made sure you knew how much you meant to me.
I would have told you that you changed my life.

I find myself living this year in the past tense. Such as, "This time last year, my grandpa was..." Or, "This time last year was his last birthday/holiday/etc." It's been 8 1/2 months now since he passed away and I can't seem to let go of last year. I don't want to let go of last year. I'm clinging to these final memories harder than I should be. This time last year was his last Easter. This time last year I got pregnant with Davis. This time last year we were getting ready to travel to the beach. This time last year he only had 4 months left. And we had no idea.

I would give anything to be able to go back to this time last year. I don't have any regrets. I know how much he loved me, and vice verse, because we told each other every day. I saw him almost everyday. I hugged him every time I saw him. I'm not living in regret. I just.... miss him. There are still moments I get half way through his phone number before I realize he won't answer this time.

Some days are harder than others. Some days I am able to think of him and laugh. I will remember something he said, or did, or loved and I will stop and smile. Some days I have to stop and sit for a minute because the memory hits me like a brick and I lose my breath for a second or two. And then there are the moments where I swear I can still feel him close by. I live for the moments where I can still feel his presence. I still need that.

If I only knew then what I know now, I would have taken the time to really laugh with you.
I would have watched one more baseball game with you.
I would have really enjoyed your sense of humor.
I would have laughed longer at your jokes.

I'm still missing you.