Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Don't stop by unannounced.

I hope that my child, looking back on today
Will remember a mother who had time to play;
Because children grow up while you're not looking,
There are years ahead for cleaning and cooking.
So, quiet now cobwebs, dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.

Don't stop by our house unannounced during the day. If you do, keep the above poem in mind. The living room where we play usually looks like a tornado just touched down. We are busy playing Lego's and hide and go seek. We are busy being outside in the sunshine. We spend our mornings cuddled on the couch watching cartoons. Some days we spend the entire day in pajamas building mega block towers.

My floors are not swept. My showers haven't seen a good scrub in too long. Sometimes there are dishes in the sink. Sometimes there's dust on our bookshelves.

We like to take long walks in the afternoon. We like to draw on the sidewalk with chalk. We like to look out the window at the "Mow-Mows" {cats} We love to wrestle and have tickle fights.

So, sorry dust and cobwebs. You'll just have to wait. I'm making it a priority to REALLY enjoy my babies. Babies don't keep.

Monday, April 18, 2011

If I only knew then...

If I only knew then what I know now, I would have loved you better.
I would have hugged you longer.
I would have spent every moment with you.
I would have prayed for you {with you} more often.
I would have kept you closer.
I would have apologized for every sharp word that hurt you.
I would have listened closer.
I would have memorized the laugh lines on your face.
I would have made sure you knew how much you meant to me.
I would have told you that you changed my life.

I find myself living this year in the past tense. Such as, "This time last year, my grandpa was..." Or, "This time last year was his last birthday/holiday/etc." It's been 8 1/2 months now since he passed away and I can't seem to let go of last year. I don't want to let go of last year. I'm clinging to these final memories harder than I should be. This time last year was his last Easter. This time last year I got pregnant with Davis. This time last year we were getting ready to travel to the beach. This time last year he only had 4 months left. And we had no idea.

I would give anything to be able to go back to this time last year. I don't have any regrets. I know how much he loved me, and vice verse, because we told each other every day. I saw him almost everyday. I hugged him every time I saw him. I'm not living in regret. I just.... miss him. There are still moments I get half way through his phone number before I realize he won't answer this time.

Some days are harder than others. Some days I am able to think of him and laugh. I will remember something he said, or did, or loved and I will stop and smile. Some days I have to stop and sit for a minute because the memory hits me like a brick and I lose my breath for a second or two. And then there are the moments where I swear I can still feel him close by. I live for the moments where I can still feel his presence. I still need that.

If I only knew then what I know now, I would have taken the time to really laugh with you.
I would have watched one more baseball game with you.
I would have really enjoyed your sense of humor.
I would have laughed longer at your jokes.

I'm still missing you.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

So, was it planned?

So, was it planned?

You know, the two small children less than a year and a half apart.

I get asked this question a lot. I guess most people assumed that only crazy people plan their children less than half a year apart. The crazy thing might actually be true, all things considered. Some days are so hectic I feel like I might be starting to go crazy, or gray, or both.

Nonetheless... The answer I always give is "Yes. He was."

The truth behind the answer is this... No, my husband and I did not plan to get pregnant when our oldest was 8 months old. No, we did not plan to live our lives in this chaotic state for several years to come. Yes, he was planned. By God. By someone higher than ourselves. We truly believe that.

Yes, he was planned. No, not by us.

I love and adore both of my sweet boys and I cannot imagine life without them. Some days are hard. Most days are busy. Every day is filled with love.

No, we didn't plan this.

But, aren't the most amazing things in life often unplanned?

Monday, April 11, 2011

We had a miscarriage.

We had a miscarriage.

No, Not recently. We had a miscarriage in December 2007. We had a miscarriage 3 1/2 years ago. Typing the words, and retelling this story, is a strange experience.

On one hand I am extremely sad for the loss. My heart hurts and aches for the child we lost... for the chance we lost... for the piece of innocence we lost. It rattles my soul and tugs at my being when I recall what happened. I cried for months after it happened and went through all of the What ifs? in my mind.

On the other hand? I am thankful. I am thankful for the loss that led us to our two very sweet boys. I am thankful that we had another year to grow as a couple before we saw those 2 pink lines again. I'm thankful for the lessons we learned and for the bond we formed. We are the only two people who know how it felt in that moment, as we sat next to each other and listened to the Dr on the other end of the phone...

I don't know exactly when we started talking about having kids. I do know when we got our very first positive on the pregnancy test. It was a few days after Obama won the presidential election. It was a Saturday. I woke up feeling awful that day. I didn't really think I was pregnant, but I thought it would be sort of exciting to go buy a pregnancy test and take it. So, that's what I did. I went to the local grocery store in my sweat pants and messy hair to buy a pregnancy test on a whim. I really don't know what made me decide to make the purchase on that cold Saturday in November, but we had the shock of our lives when we saw an extra line. We laughed... and then cried.. and then laughed again. I'm sure I threw up somewhere in there, too.

From 2 pink lines to a devastating phone call one month later... Both times full of tears... we survived.

That's truly how it feels. It feels like we survived. We made it through. We fought blood, sweat and tears to make it to the other side... and we have. It's taken us 2 children & 3 1/2 years to get here. But we did.

We had a miscarriage.

And we survived.