The road to loving motherhood
Nobody told me that after giving birth my heart wouldn't melt, and my belly would look like a deflated beach ball. From everyone woman I knew that had given birth I heard " I feel so in love" " I couldn't feel happier, this is the most amazing day of my life" and " I feel so complete"
I felt like poo. I spiked a fever while I was pushing and after words shook so much I could have started my own earthquake. I was also sweating. Like golf ball sized beads of sweat coming off of my like a freakin' waterfall- I was soaked. I was also disappointed... but thought to myself. It's just the fever. You'll feel it soon.
Well "soon" is subjective. In my case "soon" was three months later. Not that I didn't love my baby, of course I did. However, I was confused, my boobs constantly dripping, I needed to pump every three hours and time it just perfectly with her sleep schedule. I needed to make sure my boobs were covered at all times or else I would need to clean up the mess of milk that would be everywhere. I needed to make sure my humongous pads were with in arms reach of my shower so I wouldn't get blood all over, thus making a mess I had to clean up. I needed a drink. I needed to make sure the swaddle was on, but it wouldn't stay on, and I hadn't figured out that a swaddle blanket just plain sucks and the Velcro ones work much better, I needed to do and finish and think so many things I didn't have time to love being a mom. The first three months were a blur of so many things, I felt like a robot trying so desperately to keep the smile on so no one thought I was a freak for not loving my new found destiny.
Then the new year came. Coincidentally this was when my baby girl turned three months. THIS was when I got into a routine. I could see her start to grow and learn, this is when I loved being a mom. Time slowed down that month, I got to breath. My girl is almost 7 months old now and when I look back on the first 3 months of her life I feel like I was a different person. I WAS a different person I was scared and confused and had no clue what I was doing. Now I feel like a mom, I am no longer a scared girl who just gave birth. I am a mom and I love it :)