A letter to Heaven.

A letter to Papa Joe.

Sometimes I think everything is going to be OK. Sometimes I doubt that things will ever be normal again. Can you read blogs in Heaven? Do you know how many times I've tried to talk to you, before I remember you are not there to answer? I'm selfish and I feel like I still need you... I haven't learned all of your recipes yet.. I still have hugs for you.. I don't know how to check the oil in the Van for you. I need more time with you. More time to learn everything that you know. More time to buy you Christmas gifts, and to sit on the porch and talk about life. I need just one more phone call from you that starts off with "Baby girl, how are you?". I just want to sit on your lap and kiss your cheek and tell you how much I love you. I don't know how I am going to do everything without you. I don't know how I'm going to hold back from calling you when we find out the sex of Baby Bee, or when Sweet Cheeks is potty trained, or when we finally decide to go refrigerator shopping. I've always liked your opinions the best.  I don't know how my heart is going to continue to beat with this crack in it. What am I supposed to do on Sunday mornings now? That was our time... Me, you, and Sweet Cheeks. How do I fill that time? I can't replace you.

I just don't know how to keep going without you...

Goodbye.

Papa Joe

3/15/43-8/5/10

Dear Sweet Cheeks & Baby Bee,

This is a hard letter to write. Somehow writing it here makes it seem so final... more real that I am ready to accept. On August 5th, Papa Joe went to be with the Lord. He was the most amazing man I have ever met. I always felt I was lucky and so blessed to have him in my life. He was a man of integrity, and passion. He would always stand up for his family, and he loved his great-grand babies endlessly.

I never had a "dad". Not one worth mentioning, anyway. But Papa Joe stepped in to fill that role in my life. He taught me to drive a car. He took me prom dress shopping. He loaned me gas money when I was short. He answered the phone every time I got lost, needed advice, or didn't know which ingredients I needed at the grocery store. & Sometimes those calls came late at night, early in the morning, or multiple times a day. He was the one standing next to me on my wedding day... and every day before and after.

Sweet Cheeks, the day you were born, he was so excited. He sat around at the hospital all day waiting for your arrival. It was hard for him since he didn't have his oxygen with him. But he did it. Papa Joe couldn't wait to meet you, and he was one of the first ones in the room to hold you. He loved you so, so much. He bragged about you to anyone who would listen, and carried a picture of you with him in his wallet. He called you "Row-man", "His pride and joy". He taught you to sit up, and to climb on the couch. He gave you your first taste of chocolate. You loved to give him hugs and kisses as soon as you saw him. He got such a kick out of you.

I wish he could be here to watch you both grow. He wanted nothing more than to spend as much time as possible surrounded by family. I have photos saved to show you when you are older... We'll sit on the front porch with a cup of coffee and some old pictures and remember the amazing man called Papa Joe.

Love always,
Mama

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY SWEET CHEEKS!

"And now you're my whole life...

Now you're my whole world..." - Brad Paisley ("Then")

Dear Sweet Cheeks,

Tomorrow you turn ONE. Tomorrow is your very first birthday, and as much as I deny it, I am a crying mess thinking about this letter. Truth is, Ive been putting it off in order to slow down time... Its not working. Ive been pleading with the clock to stall before it hits 4:57pm tomorrow. Please, time? I'm not ready.

 I hope that you always dance. When you hear music, you instantly start swaying and jumping around. You make up your own songs, and say "Uhmm" in the car when you want the radio turned on. I hope you always have that extra beat in your step.

I love the way you know exactly what you want and you do what it takes to get it. Grab this life with both hands and go for every dream in your heart. Never settle. Never accept a "No" that should be a "Yes". Life is everything that you make it... So make it perfect. Build a life that you love living. I will take over that part for the next 17 years, if you'll allow me to.

I love being your mom. I love being "Mammmaaamama". One year ago tomorrow is the day you made me a Mom. You are nothing short of everything I always wanted. You are so wanted. You are so loved. Happy 1st Birthday.

All of my love. Today & Always.
Mama

Updates on my sweet babies!

Updates on Baby Bee:

How far along are you? 12 weeks, 2 days
When is your due date? January 15, 2011

Do you have any morning sickness? Yes, I still have terrible morning sickness. I tried Phenergan and it didn't help, so I am now on Zofran. It helps to take the edge off and it keeps me from throwing up (usually). I'm still not feeling great, but hopefully soon.

Do you think you are having a boy or a girl? I feel like it's a boy

Do you have a name picked out? Not even close. I need some ideas! :)

How much weight have you gained? I haven't gained any pregnancy weight. I gained weight when I quit working out and counting calories. I'm up 4 lbs since I took the pregnancy test.

Have you felt the baby move? Not yet.


Updates on Sweet Cheeks:

Sweet Cheeks is WALKING! He rarely crawls anymore. He is trying to run now, but that usually results in him crashing to the ground. Then getting back up, and trying again! We are planning his first birthday party. SC turns 1 on the 22nd of this month. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around having a one year old, but I am so excited to watch him grow. He currently has his 2nd ear infection in as many months so he's been a little out of sorts. Tomorrow we will try a new medicine and hopefully he will be feeling better soon.

________________________________________

Well, that's what we have been up to. I've been baking a baby and chasing a walking kiddo. :) Life is getting very, very busy... and more amazing by the day!

Letters to myself.

Dear Brandi (age 5):

Look at the blond girl sitting next to you. The one with pig tails and rainbow colored sandals. She's going to become family to you. Even though you will lose touch down the road, she is shaping who you are. You will not become who you are meant to be without her. You will be there with her as she starts dating her future husband, and you will stand next to her at her wedding. Trust her. And tell her when she hurts you.

Dear Brandi (age 12):

Jr High. This is a tough year. Know that everyone is feeling as insecure as you. You are pretty. You are good enough. You are smart. Embrace your awkward laugh and curly hair.

He does not matter. He is only trying to tear you down because it makes him feel more like a man. His actions do not determine your self worth. You will always remember those moments, but they don't have to control you. Not every man acts that way. It's ok to forgive. It's ok to remember. It's not ok to carry this fear with you into other relationships.

Dear Brandi (age 18):

Senior year of High School! All you want to do is "get out of this town!". You want to break free and see the world and experience everything. You are not ready. Stick around that sleepy little town for awhile longer. Spend as much time as you can with your friends. Drive around town with the windows down, and the music up, as often as you can. Soon you won't know anyone there and won't have a reason to go back. But you'll miss it.

The prom dress is a great idea. It's beautiful and you won't regret it when you look back on pictures later. The prom date was a good choice too. He will move on, and so will you, but you will remain friends.

Cherish every moment with your mom. You do not have much more time to enjoy her before her accident.

Wear a bikini as much as possible. After 2 back-to-back pregnancies you may never wear a bikini again. Enjoy it now! Embrace your youth. 

Dear Brandi (age 19):

He's not worth it. Let him fly. It's not about you. Nothing you can do will change the situation. It is easier to make a clean break, and to move on. He was only in your life for a season. He's not "the one". Your heart will be broken, and you will cry when it doesn't work out. It's ok to be sad. Someone is going to tell you the phrase "Truth and time tell all". Carry this with you. Its a constant reminder that everything will be revealed in time. Be patient. Mend your heart. Move on.

You are about to meet someone who will make your toes tingle.

Your mom will survive. She will make it. But she won't be the same. Do everything you can for her. Be there. Tell her you love her. Recovery will be a long road for her and she needs you. She will be able to walk again (though the DRs are unsure). Her brain stem injury will take over and change everything.

Continue to wear the bikini as much as possible.

Dear Brandi (age 21):

Yes. He's the one. You've been together long enough now that you know this is something special. He's your Prince Charming on a white horse. He will save you from yourself more often than you can imagine. He will step up to the plate and he will make a great husband. It's ok if everyone else thinks you are too young to have that ring on your finger. You know that this real. You know that he's amazing. Plan the wedding. Buy the dress. Mail the save the dates. You are making the right choice.

Don't buy the house. You will be stuck in a bad investment when the economy crashes. Rent for awhile. Save the money.

Dear Brandi (age 24):

You are about to be a mom. It's ok if you are nervous. It's ok to feel like you are not as prepared as you "should" be. You will be ok. The baby will be ok. Your life will be very different once he arrives. Right now you are thinking about all of the things you want to teach your children, and all of the things you want to do for them. You daydream and imagine what this baby in your belly will be like. Blond or Brown hair? Blue or Brown eyes? Tall or short? He's perfect. You have never known a love as true as the one you are about to know for your child. You will become a mama bear, and wear that badge with honor.

Try not to lose who you are when the baby arrives. You are still a wife, a woman, and a friend. It will be hard but make time for yourself.

Oh, and put that pizza down. Really. You'll be so glad you did.

Dear Brandi (age 26):

Life is good. Life is full of music, laughter, and love. That baby? He's almost a year old. He will be just shy of 18 months when the new baby arrives. 2 kids in less than a year and a half and a husband who offers unconditional love daily. You are very blessed and very loved. (And super busy!) Cherish those slobbery baby kisses. Cherish those first steps. Cherish the man who works hard to take such good care of you. Cherish the little one who will be in your arms soon. Life is too short not to cherish every moment.

To join in, please go HERE!

Winner! Winner! Winner! Part 2.

Since the last winner never claimed her prize, I had a "re-draw" this morning.

Congrats, Samantha!! (Sink or Swim) Send me an email and we'll work out the details. LilsBas@gmail.com



If you didn't win, you still have another chance! Head on over to The Crunchy Baby and enter again! I know you love FREE, so what are you waiting for?

xoxo

A new cuddly blanket. & A new friend.

Y'all. I have been working with the sweetest blonde designer. I asked her if she thought she could make a blanket for Sweet Cheeks.... And, well, a couple of months later, here were are.

This blanket is amazing! It is so soft, and cuddly. Easy to wash. (A must!). Cool in this Midwest heat. And FUN!

Plus, I made a new friend in the design process. Meet Coconut Robot. She makes the most adorable baby items. I'm already eyeing the little boots for baby #2. She is great to work with, sweet as honey, and very creative. If you want something, she can make it happen. Right now she's working on Sweet Cheeks 1st birthday attire. And trust me, it's going to be dynamite. She is my new "go-to" lady for anything I need custom made.

To hear more about how the blanket came to be, (Or to order one! ) check out her BLOG.