I have some exciting things going on.

Please follow me here: http://fromnonetoone.wordpress.com/

Stop by the new place. Kick off your shoes. Leave a comment. Follow along on the journey. I can't wait for you to see the amazing thing that's in the works. <3

xoxo

It's been 1 year.

Today is 1 year since Papa Joe passed away. This time last year I was 4 months pregnant with Baby Bee. This time last year, Sweet Cheeks had just turned one. On this day last year, I gathered in a room full of family members and said good-bye to the greatest man I have ever known.

One year ago I hugged my best friend good-bye for the last time.

To be honest, I am still struggling with this. The part that I find the hardest is that after today I can't say that he was here "This time last year". I don't know why I have clung to that so much over the last year, but I have. It's somehow made it easier. Until today. Because after today I cannot say that anymore. After today, the "last years" become harder to face.

August 10, 2010 was the day of the funeral. That was the last day I saw him and touched him.

Today is a hard day. I've clung so hard to the "last years" memories and I don't know how to let go. This time last year was the hardest day of my life. This time last year was the day my heart broke in half. This time last year I cried myself to sleep every night. This time last year I was prescribed sleeping pills because insomnia isn't healthy when you're pregnant. This time last year, Rowen was still wearing the shoes Papa Joe bought for his 1st birthday. This time last year I was working with the Red Cross to get my brother home on emergency leave. He was planning to go to Iraq with his fellow Army comrades any day. This time last year I prayed for a miracle that would never come.

This time last year, Papa Joe was set free from all of the pain.

This time last year.

Dear Rowen,

Dear Rowen,

My little Sweet Cheeks. 2 years ago you came into our lives and nothing has been the same since. You made us parents. You made us a family. I love you more than I knew it was possible to love someone.

Today you turn 2! You can run, jump, and play. You can say please (pease), hi (hiiiiiiiiiii!), daddy (da-daah), mama (mamaaamaama), Davis (dede) and many other words. You attempt to say everything we say. Sometimes it comes out right & sometimes we have a good laugh. You are wide-eyed and bushy tailed. You love to explore and to be outside. You love to swim. You love to play with cars, trucks, and blocks. You love to spray Daddy with the garden hose. You have the sweetest laugh. You love hot dogs & to take long walks. You love to go to the park & the zoo. You love to travel anywhere in the car. You have a smile that lights up the whole room.

I hope you never lose the part of you that sings in the shower. I hope you always laugh out loud when something humors you. I hope your eyes always light up when you see your brother. Never let go of the magic inside of you. You can do anything you want to do. You can be anything you want to be. You are an incredible little man and I know you will be a positive force in all of the lives you touch.

My sweet Rowen. Today you are 2! The whole world is out there to explore. & My hope is that you never become complacent until you explore everything you can. Dig! Kick! Build! Laugh! Share!

Happy Birthday, Sweet Cheeks.

Love always,
Mama

Dear Davis.

Dear Davis,

Our little blond eyed wonder child. It's hard to believe that you are 6 months old today. When I found out I was pregnant with you I was terrified. I had no idea how we would be able to go from one child to two. I was nervous about time, and energy, and money and love. I wanted to be able to offer all of those things to you in abundance. I wanted to offer you everything wonderful and good out of life. I never doubted wanting you. I only doubted myself and my ability to care for two very young children.

But, Davis, we made it. We beat that Devil's Disease called "Colic". And we love you more each new day. You have been the perfect addition to our family and we are so blessed to have you. You can crawl. You are very vocal about your displeasure. You are always on the go. You love to play with the dogs. You love to chew on my toes. (yuck!) You love bananas and hate sweet potatoes. You love bath time & your jumperoo. You get annoyed if we are out of the house running errands for too long. You hate heat and love to cuddle.

You are a child full of wonder. You want to touch, see, lick, hold, chew and throw everything you come in contact with. You are almost always laughing and smiling during play time. It's a pleasure to be in your company & I hope that you learn as much from me as I am learning from you. Happy 6-month day, Baby Bee.

Love always,
Mama

Prayers & Coffee.

I got an email today from a friend asking me how we are surviving with 2 kids. {Davis is now almost 4 months old and Rowen is 21 months old.} She said that she and her husband were thinking about adding another child and she was curious about what it was really like - financially, emotionally, etc.

It's hard. It's a juggling act. We had to learn how to balance the needs of two children with the same amount of time it took to take care for one child. I'm still learning to get up and go on less than 4 hours of sleep. I have to remind myself daily that it won't be like this for long... Before I know it, they will be grown and I will want this time back. I try to take time to really enjoy them and not just try to make it through the day. We buy and drink A LOT of coffee. A lot. Our Keurig gets a lot of use these days. I shower when I can, eat when I can, and sleep when I can.

Financially is the easiest part, honestly. I use coupons. I buy used. Davis wears a lot of Rowen's old clothes. I use Swag Bucks for $5 Amazon gift cards that go towards diapers, baby cereal, baby food, or other "needs". We eat home cooked meals instead of going out. Since having Davis, our expenses have increased about $50 a month.

And, I pray. I pray things like "Dear Lord, please allow my children to sleep. I will do anything. I will cut my left arm off with a dull rusty spoon if that's what it takes." or "Dear Lord, make him stop crying. Please. Please! Please?" or "Bless this house. Bless our children. Bless our family." The type of prayer depends on the day {or night} we've had here in the B house.

If you don't use Swag Bucks, you should! Check it out by clicking on the banner below.

{Disclaimer: I'm not an expert. I'm just a mom with two kids trying to do the best I can. Please do not substitute my advice/opinions for your own}

Don't stop by unannounced.

I hope that my child, looking back on today
Will remember a mother who had time to play;
Because children grow up while you're not looking,
There are years ahead for cleaning and cooking.
So, quiet now cobwebs, dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.

Don't stop by our house unannounced during the day. If you do, keep the above poem in mind. The living room where we play usually looks like a tornado just touched down. We are busy playing Lego's and hide and go seek. We are busy being outside in the sunshine. We spend our mornings cuddled on the couch watching cartoons. Some days we spend the entire day in pajamas building mega block towers.

My floors are not swept. My showers haven't seen a good scrub in too long. Sometimes there are dishes in the sink. Sometimes there's dust on our bookshelves.

We like to take long walks in the afternoon. We like to draw on the sidewalk with chalk. We like to look out the window at the "Mow-Mows" {cats} We love to wrestle and have tickle fights.

So, sorry dust and cobwebs. You'll just have to wait. I'm making it a priority to REALLY enjoy my babies. Babies don't keep.



If I only knew then...

If I only knew then what I know now, I would have loved you better.
I would have hugged you longer.
I would have spent every moment with you.
I would have prayed for you {with you} more often.
I would have kept you closer.
I would have apologized for every sharp word that hurt you.
I would have listened closer.
I would have memorized the laugh lines on your face.
I would have made sure you knew how much you meant to me.
I would have told you that you changed my life.

I find myself living this year in the past tense. Such as, "This time last year, my grandpa was..." Or, "This time last year was his last birthday/holiday/etc." It's been 8 1/2 months now since he passed away and I can't seem to let go of last year. I don't want to let go of last year. I'm clinging to these final memories harder than I should be. This time last year was his last Easter. This time last year I got pregnant with Davis. This time last year we were getting ready to travel to the beach. This time last year he only had 4 months left. And we had no idea.

I would give anything to be able to go back to this time last year. I don't have any regrets. I know how much he loved me, and vice verse, because we told each other every day. I saw him almost everyday. I hugged him every time I saw him. I'm not living in regret. I just.... miss him. There are still moments I get half way through his phone number before I realize he won't answer this time.

Some days are harder than others. Some days I am able to think of him and laugh. I will remember something he said, or did, or loved and I will stop and smile. Some days I have to stop and sit for a minute because the memory hits me like a brick and I lose my breath for a second or two. And then there are the moments where I swear I can still feel him close by. I live for the moments where I can still feel his presence. I still need that.

If I only knew then what I know now, I would have taken the time to really laugh with you.
I would have watched one more baseball game with you.
I would have really enjoyed your sense of humor.
I would have laughed longer at your jokes.

I'm still missing you.